Psy-sim for my Valentine

I began to taste the metallic tinge of blood seeping from me as I mouthed my last words: “My all for you.”  She held me in her arms and shed one last tear as my vision went black.  There were no flashbacks, no hallucinations, just a monologue as everything faded. 

“Better me than her, given the choice I’d do it again, every time.  She was the only thing worth waking up for, the only thing worth doing anything for really.  A few brushes with death, and you’re forced to assess exactly why you’re here, why you’re starring in some movie most of us would have walked out on in five minutes if we were watching it on the silver screen.  Until her, I wanted to walk out, the usher had to stop me at the door a few times.  I wanted my ten bucks back.

Wait… how am I still thinking?  Aren’t I dead?”

“Well, yes and no…” With crystal clarity I heard a familiar voice, that beautiful voice.  I had forgotten what it was to be so disoriented, so detached from the limits of the body and reality as we know it.  The delightful disorientation and the certainty that our story wasn’t over combined into an indescribable euphoria.  Conveniently, all the dimensions I was familiar with melted away at the same moment so this feeling lasted an “eternity” whatever that meant anymore.  Like a blindfold was lifted, my senses were flooded by a brilliant light, emanating from inside me as far as I could tell.  When I adjusted to my new yet strangely familiar environs, there she was smiling like the first time I saw her.  I remembered the love I felt an instant ago, the same love that let me feel no regret as I sacrificed my life for her in that world.  In this limitless place, however, I blushed for how incomplete that love was.  It knew no depth, for the world had no depth, and for all mankind’s advancements we were still naked beings staring at our shadows, convinced of their reality. 

“Don’t worry about it honey, you proved your love to the Nth degree, far better than that psychotic-simulation could even record!  Best Valentines Day gift ever!  Who knows, maybe we can do that naked cave thing later tonight, you made it sound like fun.”

She winks with a devilish smirk.

“Wait, you heard all that!”

“Of course!  By the way, you have no internal monologue here, you never actually did… that was just an illusion of the Psy-sim.  We tried to warn you with the whole ‘God is with you always and hears your thoughts’ thing.  Turns out God does, and so do I.  Don’t worry about it!  After all, I feel everything you do anyway, being literally your other half, and God’s lips are sealed.”

She giggles again, momentarily distracting me from the flood of embarrassment as years of my baser instincts replay in my mind.

“Don’t beat yourself up, babe, you won’t have any energy left for later!  Come on, let’s go for a walk”

“Wait, just like that?  What happened to you after I died?  Did you escape?”

She turns around, looking a bit puzzled. “Nothing, the psy-sim ended.  It was all made up, anyway.  As far as this reality goes, it didn’t happen, as far as ‘happening’ goes here.”

“What?  And the money I struggled to earn?  My retirement?  Everything I left behind for you?”

“Oh come on, you knew those things didn’t matter while you were working to get them!  I could tell from here.”  She was right, but I was no longer amused.

“So I toiled and struggled for years at an illusionary goal?!?  I laid down my life, a life that didn’t really exist, for a reason that never really mattered to begin with?!?  Why did you put me through all the pain if it didn’t matter?”

She flushed with anger, but it quickly subsided, followed by only an instant of frustration, cleared quickly by understanding. 

“You wanted to do it for me.  I tried to stop you, it was a ridiculously masochistic display of affection.  I would have been just as happy to cuddle with you all day, wrapped in your perfect arms, feeling your warm breath on my neck.  But you insisted on proving yourself, and to struggle for me, showing me passion through pain.  I didn’t want to disappoint you, so I struggled along with you, putting myself in a similar state.  Just like you, I cried every time you hurt me, and my heart raced every time we were together.  So you could certainly say that Earth and the time we spent in that psy-sim was an illusion.  But in the end, the emotion we experienced there, and the closeness we were able to leave with, was absolutely real.  And don’t think for a minute that it didn’t matter.  To me, knowing that even in that foreign and brutal plane you love me more than you love yourself, I will cherish that feeling forever and always.”

She barely finished those last few words before completely choking up.  I had no words.  I was beginning to remember that she could always leave me speechless.  I squeezed her hand in mine as we walked out into the garden.  I was beginning to remember she always preferred a touch to words anyway.

She looked me in the eye again, with a joyous smile that felt like home.  Then with a playfully challenging tone she added. “Eye candy, huh?”

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~ by songoflove on May 22, 2009.

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